The Glimmer of Hope

Here's an excerpt from a little project that I've been working on for  a while.

"There are so many aspects of this journey that are indescribable.  Words just aren't enough sometimes to cover the magnitude of the horror and the pain that we experienced.  At the same time, sometimes words are inadequate to describe that thankfulness and awe at God's grace and mercy through it all.  It's a similar feeling to be in the middle of the darkest of nights, feeling completely alone.  And suddenly a little glimmer of Light breaks through.  Hope.  You're not really alone after all.  The gratefulness and relief that washes over you in that moment is enough to keep you going.  But not just keep you going--you run through the darkness toward that Light.  You fix your eyes upon it.  You don't turn to the left or to the right.  You can't.  You know the darkness will engulf you if you do.  So, you keep running--sprinting, really--with your eyes fixed upon that Light.  Hope.  Truth."

I have a feeling that at least some of you will eventually read the whole story.  Whatever God has in mind for this project, my goal is to just obey Him.  Even if the purpose was only for my healing.  That's okay.  It's been one of the toughest projects for me to work on, but it's all worth it if He gets the glory.

I realize that for some of you, this is a rather cryptic post.  For others, you know exactly where this comes from.  Regardless of your understanding of my story, the excerpt can apply to your life, too.  No matter your circumstances, God wants to give you that same hope.  He created you.  He loves you like no other ever could.

If you want to hear more of my story, I will be happy to share it with you.  We both may cry, but I promise you, it's an awesome story.  Mainly because it's really God's story.  It just happens to take place in my life.

Likewise, if you'd like to share your story with me, I'd be honored to hear it.

A Day of Remembrance

So I was going to write about a totally unrelated topic to what I ended up writing for this blog.  But as sometimes happens, my day turned and so the topic of this post turned with it.

The "turning" actually all started last night.  I was getting ready to go to be early (Yay!) after a busy weekend and mainly because Daylight Savings Time.  As I was preparing to settle in, I noticed my ankle (the one I broke 5 1/2 years ago) felt swollen.  It didn't really hurt, but it felt a little tight.  I went on to sleep after applying some lemongrass oil to my ankle.  After the mad dash this morning to get the kids ready for and taken to school, I was able to sit down long enough to look at my ankle.  It still felt swollen, and when I looked down, it was clear to see that it was, in fact, swollen.  It still didn't really hurt.  It was just a little stiff.  I applied more lemongrass oil and went on with my morning.  I even went to my Tae Kwon Do class at noon.  I tried to stretch some of the stiffness out, and I let my instructor know that I'd have to modify some of the exercises in order to protect my ankle.  He agreed and class started.  At one point during the class, it suddenly became very uncomfortable to even put much weight on it.  The instructor repeatedly told me to sit out if I needed to, but I really wanted to keep going.  I did the exercises I could, which were basically only the ones involving my arms…for example, punching. 
By the time I got home after class, I was so frustrated that I was still having pain like this after 5 1/2 years, that I could have just taken my ankle off by myself.

Not really.
But maybe.
Then I'd have more issues, so...
No.

Anyway, while I was crying tearing up, making my lunch, God gently reminded me that total and complete healing does not happen until the Day of Completion--aka death.  Before you start thinking, "Oh great!  That's helpful," let me show you the mercy in that picture.  Just as suffering can have a purpose, so can lingering scars and side effects.  The scars and lasting issues serve as a reminder of what we have gone through…and have survived overcome.  There are mercies shown by God during times of trial.  The scars help us remember them.  We tend to forget that we made it through a time of suffering with God's help.  We tend to forget that we learned many things about His character and about who we are in Him.  We tend to forget the myriad of mercies.  At least, I do.
Our scars can help remind us of His love and great grace and mercy.  They help us refocus our gaze to Him who carried us through the suffering.  They can be as necessary to our growth as the suffering that caused them.  And they can be beautiful. 

Psalm 103:1-4:

Bless the Lord, O my soul,

and all that is within me, bless his holy name!

Bless the Lord, O my soul,

and forget not all his benefits, 

who forgives all your iniquity, 

who heals all your diseases, 

who redeems your life from the pit,

who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy…

What makes your scars beautiful?

The Anti-Valentine's : Going Beyond One Day

Love drives 5 hours to get to you, just to follow you the 4 hour trip home in case your car breaks down    (which it does--3 hours from home).

Love, in turn, drives a car that might break down (again) so you can drive the more dependable one.

Loves listens to you as your heart is breaking, and holds you.

Love is proud of you when you accomplish something you didn't think you could do.

Love says, "You're beautiful," (and means it) when you've gained a bunch of weight and don't feel beautiful.

Love holds your hand and cheers you on when you're deep in the trenches of childbirth.

Love corrects and encourages you when you mess up.

Love cleans up vomit and holds your daughter's hair when she is sick because you. just. can't.

Love loves you in the mornings when you're grumpy, have crazy hair, and have bad breath.

Love protects you--even from the poor x-ray technician in the ER.

Love is brave on the outside, even when he is crumbling on the inside.

Love strips a major wound on your leg three times a day for two weeks because he doesn't want  anyone else to do it and cause more pain than is necessary--and then cries in the closet afterward because of the pain inflicted.

Love won't let you look at that wound on your leg for two months because he knows the sight of it will freak you out; it's that bad.

Love helps you go to the bathroom and bathes you when your leg is broken and you can't do it all by yourself.

Love cares for a nasty open wound for two months without complaining.

Love tells you the truth about yourself, but then loves you anyway.

Love learns to be patient with you when you develop a paralyzing fear of driving in the rain.

Love laughs with you past the point of your snorting.

Love (by himself) takes a kid to the ER in the middle of the night when the hives are so bad the kid looks like an alien.

Love encourages you in your faith.

Love values your opinion.

Love challenges you to become a better person, but loves you now.

Love gives you a break when your patience with the children is running thin.

Love still takes you on dates--even when it's take-out at home.

Love still surprises you.

Love works past the bumps in the road.

Love protects your heart.

Love puts God first.

"Love is patient and kind…Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

       ~1 Corinthians 13:4a, 7

A Little Note of Encouragement

I wasn't going to tell anyone about this, but once again, God has other plans.  May what I am about to tell you bring Him all the glory.  Let me begin with a story.  I'll try to keep that part short.  I'll try.

I have a few friends, beside my husband, with whom I share my stuff.  They are my people.  These ladies know more about me than most others.  My relationship with each one is unique.  Each relationship is a gift from God.  Each of the three friendships is a living, tangible example of God's love and grace in my life.

One of these precious ladies and I were discussing the idea of community within the local church.  Actually, discussing is really too light a term for those phone calls.  Wrestling.  Agonizing.  Seeking out.  Fervently praying over.  I think those terms give you more accurate descriptions of the conversations.  You see, we -my husband and I- had been in a small group (aka Sunday School class) for about 9-10 months, but we were finding it difficult to connect with many people in the group.  It wasn't that the group was well-established or they weren't welcoming.  We…really I can only speak for myself…I was finding it difficult to move beyond the small talk and really get to know these people.  And just so you know, I  hate  strongly do not like small talk.  It's uncomfortable and awkward and I get super anxious when I am forced into it.  I'd much rather hear about where you come from, what brought you here, what your hobbies are, if you have children.  You know, what's your story?

Anyway, I was personally struggling with how I can make myself available and useful for whatever God had in mind for my role in all that community building.  I was asking how I could help foster a sense of community.  What role could I play that would be honoring to God?  How could I show God's love to those around me?

How could I show God's love to those around me?

What role could I play that would be honoring to God?

The answers to both of these questions came in a surprising way…PRAY.    I thought I already had been, but God didn't want more questions from me.  He was giving me the answer.  PRAY.  Pray.  Pray.  He wanted me to show His love by praying for other people.  However, instead of praying for only those in my small group, God wanted me to use social media to show His love for people.  So about a month ago, I started going through my Facebook friends list in alphabetical order and praying for one person a day, throughout the day.  As God brings to mind that person, I pray for them.  Sometimes He gives me something specific to pray for them.  Sometimes not.  He always knows what that person needs, even if I don't.  

I have been using Facebook Private Messaging to send each person a note to let them know that they are being prayed for.  But it is not so I can get thanks or praise for myself.   It is for encouragement.  It is so they will know that God loves them.  He is the One who asked me to pray.  It is all by His leading and for His glory.  

I am becoming more and more excited every day to pray for the next person on the list.  To see how God is working in each life is awesome!  To catch a glimpse of how He loves each life is beautiful.  I am honored to have the privilege to pray for these precious lives.

I can tell you, friend, that it has been a wonderful experience so far to witness how perfect His timing is.  Several friends have told me that they were going through something, from having a new baby, to making some tough decisions, to having a rotten day.  I was just going through the list in alphabetical order.  God was setting divine appointments for my friends and for me.  

All this to say that though I was seeking answers to a concern of mine, God was giving me His answer to the more important question I was asking.  That is, How could I show His love to those around me?  So it is because of His great love, and His glory alone that I share all this with you, dear friends.  It is my honor and privilege to pray for you.  But it is because of His enormous love for you that I am called to pray in the first place.  He hears you, dear ones.  HE alone knows what you (and I) need.  He will provide.  Sometimes in ways we don't expect.  But He will provide.

You are not alone...and neither am I.

Romans 8:12-16~
Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation--but it is not to the sinful nature to live according to it.  For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.  For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship.  And by him we cry, "Abba, Father."  The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children.  (underline added)

These verses have been hard for me to process lately.  You see, for years now, I have felt that God was trying to show me the way He sees me--whom He lovingly created and then graciously adopted as a believer, His daughter.  Because of His grace, my mistakes no longer condemn me.  To Him, I am His.  I am beautiful.

When I see myself, I see all the physical scars--the stretch marks and extra skin from pregnancies, scars from childhood falls, scars from my broken leg, etc.  I also see the emotional scars that the years on Earth have brought me--the unkind words, harsh teasing, loneliness at times, my own awkwardness and unkind words.  I see and feel the many mistakes I have made and the damage I have done to myself.  I see what years of an unhealthy lifestyle are reaping.  I feel the hurt and stress that lifestyle was covering up.  I chose the unhealthy foods and the lack of exercise.  I chose them over God.

But God has a funny way of using relationships in our lives to bring us back to Himself.  God uses the picture of the parent-child relationship in my own life to point out similarities in my relationship with Him.  As I love my children, He loves me--even more than I could fathom.  Just as I want the best for them, and thus set boundaries for them, so He does for me (and for all of us).  I have consequences to face when I cross those boundaries, just as my children do.

The consequences I face now for my poor choices are a body that is overweight and out of shape.  With God's help, I am beginning to change my habits and attitudes toward eating and exercising.  I am committing to making more wise decisions in those areas.  I have started exercising again and choosing better food options.  I am clinging to a few verses to help me through this process:

1 Corinthians 15:57~
But Thanks be to God, who gives us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Romans 8:9~
You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature, but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you.

Romans 8:28~
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Galatians 2:20~
I have been crucified with Christ.  It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.  And the life I now live in the flesh I live by the faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

If you are also facing consequences of your choices, please know that you are not alone.  I am praying for you.  Only God has the power to help you overcome your mistakes.

You are His creation and He loves you more than you can imagine.  Seek Him.  Turn away from the poor choices you are making.  Ask Him for forgiveness.  Then begin the work, with His help, to do better.   

We will never be perfect, but the more we rely on His help, God will change us over time to make more Christ-like choices and fewer poor choices.

Life Beyond the Circumstances

Romans 5:3-4~

...we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.

We all face times in our lives that are difficult and don’t make sense to us.  Someone has suddenly lost a family member.  Someone has been involved in a car wreck.  Someone else has faced a long-term illness.  All of us have been impacted by moments where we really needed some encouragement.  Whenever we have found ourselves going through a difficult time, we inevitably hear, “God won’t give you more than you can handle.”  For a long time I trusted it.  It sounds good.  It sounds comforting.  The problem lies in the phrase “more than you can handle”.  As humans, there is nothing we can handle on our own.  A better statement would be, "God won't give you more than He can handle."
The Bible is full of passages that either indicate or directly state that we can do nothing apart from God.  In Genesis 1, God created man and woman, which means we couldn’t even exist without Him.  In John 15:5 Jesus says, “ I am the vine; you are the branches.  If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”  There are many other verses that further make this point.  If we couldn’t exist without God, and we can do nothing apart from Christ, how could we handle the trials and tribulations of life?  
I firmly believe that God will absolutely give you more than you can handle.  He will not give you more than He can handle, because there is nothing of which He is not in control.  God has no weakness.  There is nothing in existence -- no circumstance, person, or thing -- that He cannot handle.  God is the Almighty, All-Knowing, Ever-present Lord of all.  He wants you to know Him, to trust Him, and to rely on Him in all circumstances.  Through whatever difficult times you face, you will grow from your experiences.  We have to choose to grow closer to Christ or wander away from Him in hate and self pity.  God wants us all to know Him more and He wants the best for each of us.  He orchestrates and ordains circumstances in our lives to draw us closer to Him and to show His glory to us.  
One of the passages in the Bible that is often quoted as a reminder of God’s faithfulness and intentions is Jeremiah 29:11-13: “ ‘For I know the plans I have for you,‘declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.’ ” 
This promise from God does not mean that life will be without hardship or suffering.  It means that He will walk with us and even carry us through the hardship.  It means that His plans for us are to find hope through Him, and a glorious future with Him.  If you are a follower of Christ you have that hope for the future.  If not, He may be preparing you for a new beginning with Christ at the center of your life -- to love Him and to choose to live for Him.  This scripture shows us that you will find him when you seek Him with all your heart.

One of my favorite quotes from a man named C.S. Lewis is, “We are not doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”  I experienced a painful lesson five years ago.  I broke both bones in my leg, just above my ankle.  It was a bad break that required surgery to put in metal plates and screws.  I endured nearly a year of physical pain, set-backs, and a second surgery to remove the hardware.  As I continue to process all that happened and what God taught me, I realize that I am actually thankful for much of the pain I endured and the hardship we went through as a family during those 11 months.  Among the many lessons that I have learned: God really is all you need; He is faithful and good.  He will never leave you, even when you feel the loneliest of lonely (Deuteronomy 31:6; Joshua 1:5).  I needed to learn about being humble and allowing others to help (I am not Super-woman, even though I try to act like it sometimes).  Then there is always for me a lesson of patience.  The list could go on and on.  
Would I have asked to learn those lessons the way I did?  No.  Would I ever want to repeat the experience? N-O!  And yet I am thankful for God’s grace and mercy and faithfulness in the midst of all that.  He truly did draw me closer to Himself and that made it all completely worth it.
The point is learning the lessons you may need to learn may not always be comfortable or easy to experience, but if you direct your heart and mind toward God, and not within yourself, He will show you more about Himself than how bad your circumstances may be.  
He absolutely gave me and my family more than we could handle on our own, but it was by his grace alone and for His glory that we made it through.  God didn’t want pain for my life, but He used it to help me grow closer to Christ.  He wants the same for your life, too.

Deuteronomy 31:6~

Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you or forsake you.

Joshua 1:5~

...As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you or forsake you.

Joshua 1:9~

Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

It's time.

It's confession time...

For about a year and a half, I have felt God leading me to write a blog.  (I'll get to the "why" part in a minute.)  But I have been fearful and doubting - mainly in my own abilities.  I do not feel that I am particularly eloquent or wise enough to do this.  I actually feel awkward in communicating sometimes, especially in new or uncertain circumstances.  I often get mistaken for being quiet or reserved when meeting new people, mostly because I never know what to say.  Small talk makes me uncomfortable, so I do a lot more listening until I hear a cue that we have something in common.  And when I do find something to talk about, it usually doesn't sound as graceful coming out of my mouth as it did inside my head.

I have never been someone who was consistent in writing down my thoughts.  Even when I have written, it has generally been for myself or a select few.  I know this idea of a blog is from God because it would never have occurred to me to write my thoughts down for others to see.

All of that to say that for the past year and a half, in my not writing this blog, I have been disobedient to God out of my own fear and pride.  I am learning that this life is not about me.  God gives me breath and a purpose, each and every day I am on this Earth.  I have been convicted and have repented.  Now I am obeying.

So here's the "why"  I feel called to do this...

A Girl Called Barnabas

Have you ever read something about a person that clicked for you and you felt an instant connection?  Maybe you saw something in yourself that was similar, or they had a quality you admired.  For me, that person was a man called Barnabas   Let me tell you about him.  

Many years ago on Cyprus, a baby boy was born.  His mother named him Joseph.  He grew up to be a good man, full of the Holy Spirit.  Joseph was among the first people to sell some of his possessions to help the early Christians (the apostles).  Joseph became drawn to people who needed encouragement - so much so that the apostles nicknamed him Barnabas  which means "son of encouragement."

God used Barnabas as encouragement to Paul and Mark at crucial times in their lives when their missions could have failed.  It was Barnabas who agreed to meet with Paul after Paul became a follower of Christ.  Many Christians refused to meet with Paul shortly after his conversion because they thought he was tricking them.  He had been so hostile to the Christians before, that no one trusted him at first.  Barnabas risked his life to meet with Paul and then convince others that Paul's conversion was genuine.  Paul went on not only to become a missionary, but he wrote much of what we now call the New Testament.

Barnabas became a great help to many people.  He was such a great encourager to Christians, that whenever he was with them, non-Christians flocked to him.  Many people became Christ followers as a result.

God used the encouragement from Barnabas to change lives.  As I read about Barnabas when I was a teenager, I was fascinated by his life.  I loved reading (and still do) about how the seemingly small things can be used by God to make a huge impact on the world.  By all appearances, encouraging someone seems like a small, behind-the-scenes sort of thing to do.  God can use that small thing for His glory.  At the least, someone's day can be turned around.  At best, someone's life can be turned around.

Ever since I first heard about Barnabas  one of the biggest prayers over my own life has been for me to be used as an encourager.  My prayer for this blog is for it to be used as an encouragement to others.  

Acts 11:22b-24~
"...and they sent Barnabas to Antioch.  When he came and saw the grace of God, he was glad, and he encouraged them all to remain faithful to the Lord with steadfast purpose, for he was a good man, full of the Holy Spirit and of faith.  And a great many people were added to the Lord."

1 Thessalonians 5:11~
"Therefore, encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing."