***Before I begin this post, I want to make a little disclaimer. I do not claim to know all things. This post is not a blanket statement for all things related to this topic. I do not speak for everyone who experiences what I am about to write about. This is my own experience, and it it meant to start conversation and maybe bring some encouragement to others. Please know that if you experience any version of this, there is hope. There is help. And you ARE NOT alone. With that said, I will continue...***
I have a secret. Outside of my husband, I've only told a handful of people. Most of my family doesn't even know. I have only shared this with my parents and a few close friends. I think part of the reason why I haven't talked about this much is because of how shameful and embarrassed I have felt. I feel out of control, crazy, and so far outside myself when it happens. I think people will think that I can control it, but just don't want to badly enough. But it it something outside of my control.
Okay, here it goes... I have anxiety attacks. Like, shaking, fight-or-flight responding, crying, panicking...anxiety attacks. My body responds first, with the quickening heart beat, the knot in my stomach, and the shaking. Then the mind joins in with all of the "what if" thoughts. Then it continues to build until I can't even think straight, and I am consumed with thoughts of how I get myself out of here. For me, the attacks mostly center around driving/riding in the rain. But it's really not about the rain, more about the puddling/ponding on the roads. I've had a few freak things happen over the course of several years that lead to one moment a couple of years ago on I-20 at night just over the Georgia state line that sent my body into another level of anxiety that cannot be self-talked through, or prayed through. Nor is it in any way responsive to much of anything that would normally be a calming influence. It has become a total body experience, one that has left me almost paralyzed with fear at times. I have become obsessed with the weather. If I see there's a chance of rain on a day that I have to be out, I start feeling the knot in the pit of my stomach days before. I will compulsively look at the weather forecast multiple times each day to see if the forecast changes. On the day that I am supposed to be somewhere, if there is still a chance of rain, I look at the radar images constantly to see how hard the rain will be or if it is moving around wherever I am. I cannot stop myself from doing all of this. It feels out of control and strange. I do not like feeling so out of control and... broken. But I know there is hope. I have hope. I have hope that this is not the end of this story. And I have found a few ways to help cope with the intense anxiety. I pray that all this anxiety will either completely go away, or that I will at least be able to get it down to a more workable level again.
I have talked with my doctor about it. I have a prescription to help with my body's response to it. I have found that the prescription makes me sleepy, so I have been experimenting with different combinations of essential oils. I have memorized some Scripture. I have begun talking about the anxiety attacks. It has helped with some of the anxiety to not have the secret to bear. I think it takes away some of the anxiety over the embarrassment to bring it out into the open.
I also have a white noise app on my iPad that makes the noise "rain on an umbrella". I think it has helped desensitize me to the sound of rain on the car. And I try to keep making myself get in the car and do short trips to the grocery store, or even in my neighborhood to keep my mind and body moving forward. Most of the time, I can work my schedule around the heaviest parts of the rain. I am not ready to get on the highways/interstates. I stick to surface roads, where there are traffic lights to stop at and places to pull over if I need to. It still takes a whole lot of mental preparation, essential oils, deep breaths and prayers to even get on the road, however. My husband knows that I usually try to stay home on the days that the forecast in rains, especially an all day rain. So far, overall, I have gotten better at coping with riding in the rain. I still have my moments. Driving at night in the rain is still a big trigger of an anxiety attack for me. Although, I actually drove the other night in a light rain without too much anxiety. (Praise God!)
I don't know if these anxiety attacks are going to be in my life for a season, or forever. What I do know is that all of the things that happen in my life pass through God's hands first. He has ordained this in my life for a reason. He is not surprised by it, nor is He out of control of it, even when I am. I trust that all things in my life work together for my good and for His glory. I have hope in the midst of this version of suffering. I have hope that I am not alone in this.
Here are a few of the verses that I have found to help me not be so consumed with the moment of attack:
"The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer. My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold and my refuge, my Savior; you save me from violence. I will call on the Lord, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies."
-2 Samuel 22:3-4 ESV (because sometimes the enemy is myself)
"...the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words....and we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."
-Romans 8:26, 28 ESV
"Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I will call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge..."
-Psalm 61:1-3a ESV
Do you have anxiety attacks? How do you cope with them? How has your spouse/family/friends responded to them?
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