***Before I begin this post, I want to make a little disclaimer. I do not claim to know all things. This post is not a blanket statement for all things related to this topic. I do not speak for everyone who experiences what I am about to write about. This is my own experience, and it it meant to start conversation and maybe bring some encouragement to others. Please know that if you experience any version of this, there is hope. There is help. And you ARE NOT alone. With that said, I will continue...***
I have a secret. Outside of my husband, I've only told a handful of people. Most of my family doesn't even know. I have only shared this with my parents and a few close friends. I think part of the reason why I haven't talked about this much is because of how shameful and embarrassed I have felt. I feel out of control, crazy, and so far outside myself when it happens. I think people will think that I can control it, but just don't want to badly enough. But it it something outside of my control.
Okay, here it goes... I have anxiety attacks. Like, shaking, fight-or-flight responding, crying, panicking...anxiety attacks. My body responds first, with the quickening heart beat, the knot in my stomach, and the shaking. Then the mind joins in with all of the "what if" thoughts. Then it continues to build until I can't even think straight, and I am consumed with thoughts of how I get myself out of here. For me, the attacks mostly center around driving/riding in the rain. But it's really not about the rain, more about the puddling/ponding on the roads. I've had a few freak things happen over the course of several years that lead to one moment a couple of years ago on I-20 at night just over the Georgia state line that sent my body into another level of anxiety that cannot be self-talked through, or prayed through. Nor is it in any way responsive to much of anything that would normally be a calming influence. It has become a total body experience, one that has left me almost paralyzed with fear at times. I have become obsessed with the weather. If I see there's a chance of rain on a day that I have to be out, I start feeling the knot in the pit of my stomach days before. I will compulsively look at the weather forecast multiple times each day to see if the forecast changes. On the day that I am supposed to be somewhere, if there is still a chance of rain, I look at the radar images constantly to see how hard the rain will be or if it is moving around wherever I am. I cannot stop myself from doing all of this. It feels out of control and strange. I do not like feeling so out of control and... broken. But I know there is hope. I have hope. I have hope that this is not the end of this story. And I have found a few ways to help cope with the intense anxiety. I pray that all this anxiety will either completely go away, or that I will at least be able to get it down to a more workable level again.
I have talked with my doctor about it. I have a prescription to help with my body's response to it. I have found that the prescription makes me sleepy, so I have been experimenting with different combinations of essential oils. I have memorized some Scripture. I have begun talking about the anxiety attacks. It has helped with some of the anxiety to not have the secret to bear. I think it takes away some of the anxiety over the embarrassment to bring it out into the open.
I also have a white noise app on my iPad that makes the noise "rain on an umbrella". I think it has helped desensitize me to the sound of rain on the car. And I try to keep making myself get in the car and do short trips to the grocery store, or even in my neighborhood to keep my mind and body moving forward. Most of the time, I can work my schedule around the heaviest parts of the rain. I am not ready to get on the highways/interstates. I stick to surface roads, where there are traffic lights to stop at and places to pull over if I need to. It still takes a whole lot of mental preparation, essential oils, deep breaths and prayers to even get on the road, however. My husband knows that I usually try to stay home on the days that the forecast in rains, especially an all day rain. So far, overall, I have gotten better at coping with riding in the rain. I still have my moments. Driving at night in the rain is still a big trigger of an anxiety attack for me. Although, I actually drove the other night in a light rain without too much anxiety. (Praise God!)
I don't know if these anxiety attacks are going to be in my life for a season, or forever. What I do know is that all of the things that happen in my life pass through God's hands first. He has ordained this in my life for a reason. He is not surprised by it, nor is He out of control of it, even when I am. I trust that all things in my life work together for my good and for His glory. I have hope in the midst of this version of suffering. I have hope that I am not alone in this.
Here are a few of the verses that I have found to help me not be so consumed with the moment of attack:
"The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer. My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold and my refuge, my Savior; you save me from violence. I will call on the Lord, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies."
-2 Samuel 22:3-4 ESV (because sometimes the enemy is myself)
"...the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words....and we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."
-Romans 8:26, 28 ESV
"Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I will call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge..."
-Psalm 61:1-3a ESV
Do you have anxiety attacks? How do you cope with them? How has your spouse/family/friends responded to them?
Monday, December 22, 2014
Monday, December 1, 2014
Daylight at Midnight
Yesterday was six years to the day that I broke my lower leg/ankle and began a journey over the course of nearly a year that would prove to be the most difficult and biggest test of our married life so far. It was Sunday, November 30, 2008 that that journey began. Yesterday was Sunday, November 30. I woke up yesterday a little inwardly weepy, and struggling to keep it inward. There are so many memories associated with that day that are so difficult to process. But I have so much to be thankful for. It's overwhelming.
The broken leg was really just the tip of the iceberg. It was what everyone could see. It was the part that had a boot. Clearly, there was something going on there. What everyone couldn't see was everything else that was going on beyond the hurt leg. (Before I give you an overview, let me just say that, with God's help, I am moving on, and have forgiven anything by which I felt hurt.) I have had many people say directly, or indirectly, comments wondering why I am still "dwelling" on my broken leg. Let me say again that the broken leg was really the only visible clue that there was something going on in our lives. There was so much beyond that that very few people know about. There were many complications that occurred during the healing process that made healing difficult. The chief complication was that I had an open wound for the better part of 11 months. When I say "open wound", I don't mean a cut that would not heal. I mean a literal hole in my leg that would not close. Sometimes the skin would heal over, but the inside refused to heal, so the skin would keep opening back up. There were a lot of truly horrible experiences associated with that wound. But the wound was caused from my body rejecting the metal hardware attached to the bones to help the breaks heal. We learned that healing had to take place from the inside-out, and the thing that was causing the problem had to be removed. The infection that was in my body was bad enough that I was dangerously (and uncomfortably) close to having my ankle and foot removed. (A fact of which I was unaware until earlier this year. I hadn't realized just how close I was to that actually being a viable option.)
We had two young children at the time. Our son was 5 months old and our daughter was 4 years old when I broke my leg. Their care was a priority that had to be orchestrated in order for it to happen. Our mothers did the best they could, and sacrificed in order to care for our children. However, there were times when we needed help and it was all we could do to get someone to volunteer. We felt abandoned by many of our friends.
My husband was so stressed out during all of this. All of the time. He was helping care for my open wound (which disgusting doesn't even cover that experience), helping care for our children, and working a full time job. His job was suffering from the down turn in the economy. We were making just enough money to cover what we absolutely had to cover. But even with medical insurance, my medical costs were starting to pile up. He was struggling to pay for everything we needed. With all the pain medications I was on, our son had to switch from nursing to formula, which is costly.
We lived in survival mode for what felt like forever. I was in pain a good bit of that time, mainly from the rejection of the metal in my body. A pain that was so much more intense than a broken bone. We felt abandoned by most of our friends. Scott's job was very stressful. In so many ways, what we were going through at the time was indescribable. We just didn't know how to communicate what we were feeling or what we needed. But....there was Hope. Hope that God would never abandon us. Hope that there would be an end to our suffering. Hope that He was working all things for our good and for His glory. H-O-P-E. It brought a ray of sunshine to our midnight. HE knew our suffering. Our cries for help. Our tears and pain and struggle. We had to trust in Him. We had to be at peace with whatever happened. Whether or not we got what we were praying for. Whether I got to keep my ankle and foot or not. God never left. He knew we needed to be broken so that He could rise us up from the ashes of our pain. Beloved, God wants the same for you! If you have suffered or are suffering, know that it is not in vain. There is hope in the midst of it. Turn to the One Who provides that hope. Turn to the One Who forgives you. The One Who provides a way out. The One Who seeks you out and desires for you to know Him. Turn to Jesus!
Only Jesus can heal you from the inside out. Only with His help can you remove the things that are keeping you from healing. Only with His help can you forgive those who have wronged you. Forgiveness is not about what the other person has done, its about healing you. Release the hate. Release the things that are destroying you. Turn to the One Who provides for your needs, no matter how small. Turn to Jesus!
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." ~Romans 15:13
The broken leg was really just the tip of the iceberg. It was what everyone could see. It was the part that had a boot. Clearly, there was something going on there. What everyone couldn't see was everything else that was going on beyond the hurt leg. (Before I give you an overview, let me just say that, with God's help, I am moving on, and have forgiven anything by which I felt hurt.) I have had many people say directly, or indirectly, comments wondering why I am still "dwelling" on my broken leg. Let me say again that the broken leg was really the only visible clue that there was something going on in our lives. There was so much beyond that that very few people know about. There were many complications that occurred during the healing process that made healing difficult. The chief complication was that I had an open wound for the better part of 11 months. When I say "open wound", I don't mean a cut that would not heal. I mean a literal hole in my leg that would not close. Sometimes the skin would heal over, but the inside refused to heal, so the skin would keep opening back up. There were a lot of truly horrible experiences associated with that wound. But the wound was caused from my body rejecting the metal hardware attached to the bones to help the breaks heal. We learned that healing had to take place from the inside-out, and the thing that was causing the problem had to be removed. The infection that was in my body was bad enough that I was dangerously (and uncomfortably) close to having my ankle and foot removed. (A fact of which I was unaware until earlier this year. I hadn't realized just how close I was to that actually being a viable option.)
We had two young children at the time. Our son was 5 months old and our daughter was 4 years old when I broke my leg. Their care was a priority that had to be orchestrated in order for it to happen. Our mothers did the best they could, and sacrificed in order to care for our children. However, there were times when we needed help and it was all we could do to get someone to volunteer. We felt abandoned by many of our friends.
My husband was so stressed out during all of this. All of the time. He was helping care for my open wound (which disgusting doesn't even cover that experience), helping care for our children, and working a full time job. His job was suffering from the down turn in the economy. We were making just enough money to cover what we absolutely had to cover. But even with medical insurance, my medical costs were starting to pile up. He was struggling to pay for everything we needed. With all the pain medications I was on, our son had to switch from nursing to formula, which is costly.
We lived in survival mode for what felt like forever. I was in pain a good bit of that time, mainly from the rejection of the metal in my body. A pain that was so much more intense than a broken bone. We felt abandoned by most of our friends. Scott's job was very stressful. In so many ways, what we were going through at the time was indescribable. We just didn't know how to communicate what we were feeling or what we needed. But....there was Hope. Hope that God would never abandon us. Hope that there would be an end to our suffering. Hope that He was working all things for our good and for His glory. H-O-P-E. It brought a ray of sunshine to our midnight. HE knew our suffering. Our cries for help. Our tears and pain and struggle. We had to trust in Him. We had to be at peace with whatever happened. Whether or not we got what we were praying for. Whether I got to keep my ankle and foot or not. God never left. He knew we needed to be broken so that He could rise us up from the ashes of our pain. Beloved, God wants the same for you! If you have suffered or are suffering, know that it is not in vain. There is hope in the midst of it. Turn to the One Who provides that hope. Turn to the One Who forgives you. The One Who provides a way out. The One Who seeks you out and desires for you to know Him. Turn to Jesus!
Only Jesus can heal you from the inside out. Only with His help can you remove the things that are keeping you from healing. Only with His help can you forgive those who have wronged you. Forgiveness is not about what the other person has done, its about healing you. Release the hate. Release the things that are destroying you. Turn to the One Who provides for your needs, no matter how small. Turn to Jesus!
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." ~Romans 15:13
"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.a 2For the law of the Spirit of life has set youbfree in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. 3For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin,c he condemned sin in the flesh, 4in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. 5For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. 6For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. 7For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot. 8Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.
9You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him. 10But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. 11If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesusd from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.
Heirs with Christ
12So then, brothers,e we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. 13For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. 14For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sonsf of God. 15For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” 16The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, 17and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.
Future Glory
18For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.19For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. 20For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope 21that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. 22For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. 23And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? 25But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.
26Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 27And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, becauseg the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. 28And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,h for those who are called according to his purpose. 29For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.
God’s Everlasting Love
31What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can bei against us? 32He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? 33Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. 34Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.j 35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? 36As it is written,
“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”
37No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." ~Romans 8 (ESV, biblehub.com)
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